Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple creatures. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier. [Via Facebook]

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Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot. The Indian said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.' The American said, 'Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story. I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. Legally, now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grand-mother.  More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my fathers'  brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my fathers' son, my brother, is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And, you say you have family  problems!' The Indian fainted.

1. A  Foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man  tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are  CLOSED. 2.  One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption : Before  Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD, After Marriage - Drink whenever you  are HAPPY 3.  Three FASTEST means of Communication :  1.  Tele-Phone 2.  Tele-Vision  3.  Tell to Woman  Need  still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE. 4.  Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends. 5. A  man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and  Best Woman. Next  moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him. Moral  : BE SPECIFIC 6.  What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time ? It  is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends. 7.  Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest. They  see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should  KILL him. Ant  2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says : No, we  will just  throw him away from our path. Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE  him because  he is ALONE and we are FOUR. 8.  If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your  life. 9.  Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their  MISTAKE. Answer : On their MARRIAGE. 10.  Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake.

Pakistani Beggars in London Javed and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London . Habib begs just as long as Javed but only collects £2 to £3 every day. Javed brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.. Habib says to Javed 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?' Javed says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'? Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'. Javed says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3 Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'? Javed shows Habib his sign... It reads: 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.   I am a Proud Sardar Santa : I am a Proud Sardar, My son is in Mental College, Banta : Really, what is he studing Santa : No he's not studying, they are Studying him.   Contact Agreement by a 96 year Old Frustrated Lady Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to Pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have Elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of The funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only Eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of Opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for The inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused Me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I Personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging prerecorded, faceless entity Which your bank has be come. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood Person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no Longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed Personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must Nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any Other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your Chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in Order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, There is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical History must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory Details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) Must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she Must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 Digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses Required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As They say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press Buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me 2. To query a missing payment. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is Required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact. 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put On hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. Uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. While this may, on Occasion, involve a lengthy wait, Regrettably, but again following your Example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of This new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less Prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client (Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)

I never take risk while drinking When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen I stealthily enter the house Take out the bottle from my black cupboard Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame But still no one is aware of it Becoz I never take a risk I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink Quickly enjoy one peg Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile I peep into the kitchen Wife is cutting potatoes No one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I: Any news on chopra's daughter's marriage Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle I take out the glass from the old rack above sink Quickly enjoy one peg Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard But still no one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I: But still I think chopra's daughter's age is not that much Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh... I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard But the cupboard's place has automatically changed I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep  it in the black cupboard Wife is keeping the sink on the stove But still no one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I: (getting angry) you call Mr. chopra a horse? If you say that again, I will cut your tongue...! Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly... I take out the bottle from the potatoes Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg Wash the sink and keep it over the rack Wife is giving a smile Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking But still no one is aware of what I did Becoz I never take a risk I: (laughing) So chopra is marrying a horse!! Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face... I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack Stove is also on the rack There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink But none of the horses are aware of what I did Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk chopra is still cooking And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing Becoz I never take……..what???

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband standing around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Killed any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. … Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.